Guilt

I have been contemplating all day whether or not to write this blog. I kept thinking it might be too personal or that it showed weakness. But then I realized that someone out there might be feeling the same way and something I say might make them feel at ease… so here goes:

It’s AMAZING how much guilt you feel when you get sick. I feel guilty that my kids and husband have to go through this. Guilty that Richard has to take on more responsibility to pick up the slack for me. Guilty that my family has to see me this way. Guilty that my parents have to come every week to help me clean the house, cook, and take care of the kids. I never really thought about it until this weekend. I didn’t even realize it was something I was feeling. I knew at times I would get sad, but I never thought that a feeling of guilt was something that would surface. As a mom you already feel such a sense of guilt when you can’t give your child something they want. Or when you have to work and don’t have the time to spend with your kids. Or when you want to do something for yourself, like go to a yoga class.  “Mommy guilt” is real! I know my mommy friends can relate. So now imagine adding a “sickness” to the mix. Mommies are supposed to keep the family together. So what happens when mommy gets sick? We are not supposed to get sick. Who has time for all that? So I try my hardest to keep it all together. I wake up and make breakfast and lunch for the boys. I dress them and take them to school. But what about the days when I am too tired to cook, to give them a bath, or to read them a bedtime story?

This morning Sebastian asked me if I was still sick and for how long I was going to be sick. I had to fight back the tears. I just told him that hopefully after Christmas mommy will be feeling better. There is no easy way to explain to a 5 year-old that after Chemo mom will have to let her body recuperate for 6 weeks before surgery. He doesn’t have any concept of time. But the guilt settled in again. I know my boys miss me. I miss them too. I hate that I can’t take Sebastian to his soccer games on Saturday because I can’t be out in the sun and I can’t risk getting sick. I hate that I can’t take him to the movies and I don’t want to wear a mask in order to do it. I hate when I lose my patience because I am so tired or frustrated. I even feel guilty about work and not being able to perform my job to the best of my ability.

So how did I fix this? Well I prayed about it. I asked God to give me peace. I asked for the courage to forgive myself. I went to Yoga tonight and I set an intention. I think I have earned the right to take a minute for myself. I have earned the right to take care of myself and make sure I heal my mind, body and soul, so that I can be there for my children in the long run. I acknowledged the emotion, forgave myself and let it go.

Something else that has stuck with me is that I met someone, who told me that some people/cultures believe that when you get Cancer it’s because your soul wants to die. I don’t know how I feel about that???? I think the thought of that just adds more stress, guilt and sadness. Before Cancer my soul was content, grateful and happy. I felt completely blessed and Thanked God everyday for this amazing life. It’s hard for me to believe that God would grant me all these blessings to just take them away. My God doesn’t work that way.

I am sure along this road I will experience a number of different emotions. Some good and some bad. I know I will learn something from this whole experience. I am allowing myself to take it all in. I will allow myself to feel it all, but I will not allow myself to feel guilty over something I can’t control. Like in yoga, I will inhale all the good and exhale all the negative emotions that don’t belong. Good-bye Guilt! Exhale….

593ef40fb6bee5ec91f66aeacdb46d47

 

 

9 thoughts on “Guilt

  1. Zuri says:

    I totally understand how Yo u are feeling, and although yes my situation is different than yours … I’ve been in bed rest since Friday and I feel solo guilty that I have the flu, that I feel so o sick, that I have no energy, that my body aches that I haven’t gone down stairs all these days except yesterday to go to the hospital, that i keep cpughing and vomiting and i can hold and bug my kids, that Kiara has practically Not felt her no me arma since Thursday and has barely seem me an walks in and out of the rooms even tho I tried to kick him out, my husband has been doing it all, (he doesn’t have a job currently so he’s been home taking care of all of us) I feel horrible I haven’t cooked not one meal since wed… It’s draining that’s right mommies don’t have time for it. I can’t help hear Kiara crying and thinking maybe she misses me and that’s why she’s so o fussy and now AJ is sick. So I totally understand your feeling of guilt because then to top it off I feel guilty that AJ is not sick. Now I totally don’t agree w the lady that told you about cancer. God gives us battles he knows we can fight and become victorious. So thank you for writing this blog because it helps me understand that is ok to feel this way but also its time to let go. We do tinue to pray for your recovery! Trusting God will do the miracle he has to do in your life and show His purpose thru it! God bless you and thanks for this inspiring blog!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Coconut Wata says:

    U think you are beautiful and so brave for sharing this, but even more brave for admitting and accepting this to and for yourself. Putting in time for ourselves is key and by you going to that yoga class, you were able to find some sort of release and ease and therefor bring forth calm and peace. You have always known and respected your worth and like you said, your God will not grant you all your beautiful blessings just to take them or you away! He surely doesn’t work like that, and he surely knows your work here on earth is far from over! #TeamOrtegaCamino

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Karen Tracey says:

    You did not ask for this so try to be kind to yourself. It is natural to feel guilty as you do it all for your family but sometimes we need to let go and allow others to help. You are truly blessed to have such a wonderful support team. People do not get cancer because their soul wants to die!!!! We can never truly understand why such hardships come into our lives. The Lord is watching over you and will guide you through this. Continue to believe and allow yourself this time to conquer this. May God bless you Myra. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dad says:

    Dear God, Grant my Daughter the Serenity to accept the things she can not change,Grant her the Valor. To change what she can And wisdom to know the difference .give her peace and lift from her all wories. I will pick up her cross and Carrie it where ever you ask.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s