Coexisting with Cancer

Coexisting can be such a tricky concept. In my mind, it means living with something that you don’t like, but you have to deal with. So I am living with this “thing” in my body and I have no control over it, but I am accepting it. I am “tolerating” it. Mostly, because I have no choice. That’s the thing with cancer, you can only control what you can control. Right? So, I am chosing to control my attitude about this whole situation. I can’t speak for other Cancer patients because we all experience it differently. There are some common themes around having cancer, because most of us experience the same trama during and after active treatment. We feel the saddness and the loss, but we all make different choices about how we want to deal with this diagnosis. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to deal with a disease. I think it’s such a personal thing. When I talk to other patients I really try not to impose my views because who am I to tell them that the way they are feeling is wrong? And if you have never had Cancer you should not be telling a Cancer patient how to feel. It’s just rude! So I am choosing to Coexist because that is what works for me; mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I know my perspective might seem weird to some, but I have never fit into a mold. No one should fight alone and There is nothing lonelier than feeling judged.

I had my PET scan yesterday (8/31) after fighting with my insurance company to approve it. I get a PET scan every 3 months and they decline it. It’s crazy to me how insurance companies make things so difficult, but that’s a whole other blog post.

Anywho, I have to fast before my appointment, so I was already a little hangry and cranky from not having my coffe. But yesterday I was also feeling numb. I waas confused about how to feel. I didn’t want the anxiety to take over but I was also scared to be overally optomistic. Since my last scan showed I was stable, I was just hoping for the same results. I didn’t want to fool myself into thinking that I would be N.E.D. (No Evidence of Disease) again. It’s always a roller coaster of emotions right before my scan. I try to pray and to just be at peace with whatever the results are. Again, thinking I can only control what I can control. I rec’d my results right away, and of course I read them ( I still haven’t learned my lesson)… I am happy to report that there is NO NEW DISEASE! Which means it hasn’t spread, but “He” is still in my bones. So in order words “I am stable”. There is some uptake in those areas where “he” is hanging out, but I will find out more next week when I speak to my Oncologist.

I was really waiting on these results so that I can make the decision to have one last reconstructive surgery. I haven’t gone under the knife in 3 years. I was trying to give my body some time to heal. I also wanted to make sure my immune system was strong. So hopefully now I will get clearance for surgery. Again, it is such a personal decision to have reconstuctive surgery. I do not want implants because I am scared my body will reject them, like it rejected the tissue expanders. I am hoping the 10lbs I have gained during Covid will be enough fat to have one last fat grafting. My body reoborped the last fat grafting, so we shall see how this all works out. I have learned to accept my frankenboobs for what they are, but if we can fix them a little I would feel more comfortable in my own skin. It’s so frustrating not being able to wear certain things because my chest looks a hot mess.

UPDATE: I got the call from my radiologist that I will be having radiation on the 3 spots. Since there has been an uptake and it seems to be growing this is the best option. I will be meeting with him tomorrow to discuss how many sessions I will need. I swear I am going to start glowing in the dark!! Funny, but not funny! LoL Call me “Glow Worm”.