Cyberknife

I have been meaning to write this post for a while. I have had so many things running through my brain. I finally took a few minutes today to write it all down.

Since the clinical trial didn’t work out for me, I was left feeling a little discouraged. Thankfully my Radiologist agreed to still do the Cyberknife, which is a more targeted radiation, on my spine. He said I was a good candidate since I only have two mets. In August I had 3 sessions. One to the L3 and two to the T9.  The waiting game has been a real thing. You wait a few months to find out if the treatment worked. The anxiety associated with waiting is real. I don’t know about Richard, but I have been a mess. I guess I am just good at hiding it.

The month of September was horrible for so many reasons. Hurricane Irma and Maria made sure we were on high alert. We were stressed about Richard’s family and my family in Puerto Rico. Hurricane Maria also ruined our vacation. We were not able to go on our much anticipated European Cruise. Richard and I were so disappointed. We really needed that time away. After all of that I was praying that we would get some good news for the month of October. Since it is my birthday month.

On Wednesday, October 11, 2017 I had a CT scan and bone scan. Again with the waiting game. But I decided that I was going to celebrate the whole month of October. I told Richard I didn’t want presents, I wanted experiences. So, he’s taking me on a Hot Air balloon ride.  And my mom and I were supposed to get Tattoos. This is a big deal for my mom, who doesn’t like pain and has never gotten a tattoo. But unfortunately, my white blood cells were too low because of the new medication. The most common side effects of Ibrance (chemo pill)  are fatigue and a low immune system. So we will have to wait for the Tattoos, but I am still very excited to do this with my mom. I have been blessed with some amazing people in my life. They made me feel special for my 39th b-day. I went to breakfast with a friend, I had a pedicure date with my sister, had a smoothie date and a girl’s night out. To those special ladies THANK YOU for taking the time to make me feel loved.

On Monday, October 16, 2017 I had a follow-up appointment with my Oncologist to get the results of the scans. So, everything is stable. There has been no change to the T9. I will take it. Stable is a good thing. But they didn’t mention anything about the L3. So I don’t know if the Cyberknife worked???? I pray to God it did and whatever I have on the T9 is from my bone disease. But I have no progression and all my major organs are doing well. So again, I will take it and I will run with it. I am taking every little step as a blessing. I pray everyday that God grants me another 20 years to see my boys grow up.

Speaking of the next 20 years….. Richard and I dressed up as “viejitos” for a Halloween party at his gym (I attached a picture). It was fun, but at one point someone said to me “oh, is this a look into the future”… and my heart dropped. I don’t know if Richard noticed me holding back the tears. It dawned on me that I may never grow old with my husband. Ouch! That one really hurt. When you get married you envision yourself  growing old and gray with your significant other. I feel like I am being robbed of that right. I want to be an old woman feeding my hubby cookies…..

I have had some good days and bad days. On the bad days I have to remind myself that I am blessed. I know that everyone has their own issues that they are dealing with. I am just really trying to get back to “normal”. I know I am not the same person I was before Cancer, so I have to find my “new normal”.  It has been a very long and stressful year for my family, but there are some good things happening. My Big Brother is getting married and we are looking forward to celebrating that special day. Leo has started Soccer and Sebastian is playing baseball and started the Boy Scouts. So that means I get to cheer on my boys and while I have the energy I will continue to be the best mom I can be. So for those of you reading this I pray that you enjoy every day like it’s your last. Don’t go to sleep angry. Open your hearts. Tell people how you feel. Show some compassion and kindness. Do what makes you happy. I want my boys to remember me as a happy person that loved everyone. What legacy do you want to leave behind?