I have to be better about putting all my thoughts on paper so that I can write my blogs. I am thinking all day about what I want to say and forget to take notes. Sometimes I forget what I want to say and I just have to sit at my laptop and freestyle. So I apologize in advance if I am all over the place with this blog. But know that everything I write comes from the heart.
Having cancer really changes your perspective. I know I am not the same person that I was 8 months ago. I have always tried to enjoy life and to enjoy my family, but now it’s a necessity. Honestly, I get upset when I hear about people focusing their energy on petty things. I wish people knew how blessed they are to still have their parents in their life, to have their children healthy, to wake up every morning without having to worry about their health or pain management. I don’t think it’s human nature to take things for granted. I think it’s a choice. You can choose to be grateful for everything that God has blessed you with, or you can choose to be selfish and to continue to expect or ask for more. I have been following other breast cancer patients and even some of them find the silliest things to complain about. One woman is complaining about her boobs not being even. One is a little higher than the other. WHAT?? Are you kidding me lady. At least you have two boobs and you are alive. Try having one flat boob and one huge expander and then we will talk about body image. People really need to take a step back and analyze their life. This world is temporary. We live on Earth until its our time and then we move on to better things, like Heaven! Sebastian has been asking me a lot about heaven and it has forced me to think about the afterlife. By all means, I am not ready to go there, but it’s something I think about.
I have also thought a lot about forgiveness. I would like to think that I haven’t wronged a lot of people in my life. If anything I have spent my life trying to help people. But I know I am not perfect. I took some time to do some soul-searching and I have had conversations with those people who I needed to apologize to. I have also taken some time to forgive myself, which seems a lot harder than apologizing to someone else. Why is that? Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? I don’t want to carry around any excess baggage, so I am really praying about it. I have also questioned my relationship with God, and the way him and I communicate. I can’t let what other people say affect my personal relationship with God. I might not hear God in my head, but I feel him and I see him in my children. I see God in all the amazing people around me. I know in my heart that I have a great relationship with my creator and that’s enough for me.
This detour of mine has only been for the last 8 months, even though it feels like a lifetime. I really have to take a step back and keep reminding myself that some people fight this disease for years and I am being selfish expecting my miracle to happen when I want it to (which would be right now… LOL) . So I have to be patient. My miracle will come, but in God’s time. Richard made a good point the other day. He asked me “how do you know God hasn’t already granted you a miracle?” And he’s absolutely right. I have had numerous miracles in my life. Finding the love of my life was a miracle. Not everyone gets to experience that joy. I also have two amazing little boys. Sebastian and Leonel are also my miracles. I was blessed with two amazing pregnancy. We never had an issue conceiving. I had two great births and thank you Jesus, my boys are healthy. Amen to that!! That’s why I know miracles happen everyday. I think we are just so focused on what we don’t have, that we forget to be grateful for everything we do have.
My father-in-law sent me a video of Pope Francis on TED Talk (google it, it’s great). “Papa Francisco” focused on three key lessons. One of them resonated with me. The pope said “To Christians, the future does have a name, and its name is Hope. Feeling hopeful does not mean to be optimistically naïve and ignore the tragedy humanity is facing. Hope is the virtue of a heart that doesn’t lock itself into darkness, that doesn’t dwell on the past, does not simply get by in the present, but is able to see a tomorrow. Hope is the door that opens onto the future. Hope is a humble, hidden seed of life that, with time, will develop into a large tree. It is like some invisible yeast that allows the whole dough to grow, that brings flavor to all aspects of life. And it can do so much, because a tiny flicker of light that feeds on hope is enough to shatter the shield of darkness. A single individual is enough for hope to exist, and that individual can be you. And then there will be another “you,” and another “you,” and it turns into an “us.”And so, does hope begin when we have an “us?” No. Hope began with one “you.” When there is an “us,” there begins a revolution.”
This message stayed with me today because sometimes I feel like I have enough HOPE for the whole world. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am like a turtle, I can carry the weight of the world on my back. But it shouldn’t be that way. We should all have HOPE. I love when the pope says “us” because I know that I would not be able to fight this battle alone. I am eternally grateful to all of my Prayer Warriors and Ninjas. You have made this journey bearable. Thank you all and may God continue to bless you for your compassion.
I started radiation last week. That will be the topic of my next blog….. until then keep believing in miracles.