In the middle of a pandemic…

I woke up feeling numb today. I am so sad with how the world is right now. Not only have we had to deal with a pandemic, but now we have to deal with racism and riots.

I am trying to stay away from social media. I know everyone has opinions and I don’t want to argue with anyone. I didn’t want to write all of this on Facebook. Since this is my personal blog I felt more comfortable sharing my feelings on this platform.

The last 3 months have been stressful enough. Being quarantined, homeschooling and trying to stay sane. I tried to keep the calm in my house so that I wouldn’t stress out my kids. All of this while trying to stay healthy and take care of me. As if being a mom with cancer isn’t enough to deal with!

So now, I am angry and sad about everything happening in our country. People being killed and cities being destroyed. Although there have been some amazing stories of people coming together to make a positive change. It is still not enough. What happened to George Floyd was horrific and cruel. But I cannot condone Police Officers or anyone else being killed. How is that justice?

I am not black, but some of my best friends are black, and one day they will have to have a discussion with their children about all of this. They will have to explain to their children that the color of their skin makes a difference in the eyes of some ignorant bastard. My heart breaks for them. No parent should have to tell their child that they will not be judged on who they are as a person, but on the color of their skin. I also have a nephew who is a young black man and I worry about him everyday. He is like a son to me and I would lay down my life for him!

Being a Latina I have never been shielded from racism or prejudice. Growing up in Boston I had my share of racial tension and I never turned a blind eye! I learned to be an advocate and to use my voice to help all people; gay, white, black, transgender, etc.

This morning I had to take a minute to allow myself to feel all of these emotions. I cried as I hugged my boys. They stared at me asking why I was crying. I just told them that I love them.

In that moment I had to realize that despite how sad I was feeling I have to be selfish. Today I have to take care of me, because if I don’t then what good am I to my boys? I have to go get my treatment today, and I have to keep being strong. If I don’t, then I won’t be around to teach my boys to do better. I won’t be around to raise good men, men who will help change this world for the better. Hate is taught and I refuse to allow my boys to be jaded by this world.

As I write this, I am sitting at the Breast Cancer Center waiting for my appointment. I am sitting here alone in my thoughts. If Cancer has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t have time for hate in my heart. I don’t want to live like that. I want to live out whatever years I have left with love in my heart and learning to be better and do better.

I hope we continue to share the positive stories. The stories of people trying to do the right thing, without violence. I pray that something good comes out of all of this. I pray for change and a better world for my boys.