I started writing this post on Tuesday, December 11, 2018. I finally remembered to post it… LOL Happy New Year!!
I was so excited about this Christmas season. We bought our tree, decorated it and our house was feeling festive. Then all of that changed. We finally hired someone to fix the walls that have been destroyed since Hurricane Irma. Yes, it’s been over a year and our house had been leaking. We finally got the roof fixed and we were so happy. But we had no walls, and I insisted on getting the dry wall fixed so that our house would feel complete for the holidays. It’s funny how we get fixated on the small stuff. So that job turned into a disaster. The mess caused by the dry walls alone is awful, but having the popcorn ceilings taken off at the same time is just a bad combo. So our house is a mess and I am beside myself. I have no idea what to do with this mess of a house. Especially since I am having surgery on Wednesday the 13th. We have eaten out every night because I can’t cook in my dusty kitchen. We have stayed at a hotel so that the boys and I wouldn’t have to breath that dust, and we have been living like gypsies.
The stress on my shoulders is starting to weigh me down and I know my husband is also feeling it. I am feeling defeated and a little broken today. That is definitely not the way I want to feel going into this surgery. But this surgery wasn’t part of the plan. I was going to wait until next year, but my surgeon recommended I do it now since we have already met our deductible. Doing the surgery next year means more money out of our pockets. The only good thing about the surgery is not I am not getting expanders or implants or any foreign objects. I gained weight so that my surgeon could use my own body fat to try to fix my skin. Whoever says or thinks Breast Cancer is a FREE Boob Job needs to get stabbed in the eye. Seriously! You need to reevaluate your life because you are an Asshole!! This is not fun and it takes a toll on you emotionally and physically. I am reminded every day that I had Breast Cancer ( I say HAD because I refuse to let Cancer think it has a home in my body). Everytime I look in the mirror I see it! And everyday I feel the side effects of the medication. So I am hoping that fixing the skin and making my chest look somewhat normal will make me feel as normal as possible. I know I will never have the same body. This new one is broken and scarred.
I have toyed with the idea of posting a picture of my Frankenstein chest. I was going to post a picture for Pinktober, but changed my mind. Maybe I chickened out. You have to understand that sharing a picture of my broken body makes me feel completely vulnerable, but I feel like it needs to be done. I finally got the courage to post a picture. However, out of respect for my husband I will not be posting that picture. Instead I will leave it to your imagination.
This is Breast Cancer people. It is not a cute pink ribbon. It is not a free boob job. This is raw and this is real. This is my new normal. After radiation and chemo my body doesn’t heal the same way. This is why I am having surgery to fix my skin, so I could feel more comfortable. I would like to wear a tanktop or a V-neck without having to worry. I know people make jokes because it makes them feel better, but they are not thinking about the person who has to deal with the pain of surgery, and having to put themselves through all this reconstruction just to feel whole again. I get it!!!! I know that making jokes lightens the mood. I know I also use that defense mechanism, but not everyone is like me. Not everyone can laugh at themselves. I wish people would think before they speak. You don’t know anyone’s story. You can’t assume that all is well with me just because I look healthy and I have a smile on my face. I work so hard to keep myself healthy and to not let Cancer control my life. I wish people would be more compassionate.
Recently some people in my life have also been diagnosed with Cancer. I try to be a beacon of hope for them. It doesn’t take a lot to just be there for someone in need. I pray for them daily. I pray for their families and I pray for healing.
We have also lost a lot of warriors within the Metastatic Breast Cancer community. The survivor’s guilt is real. But who am I to question God’s plan? All I can do is make sure my time here counts for something.
God has a funny way of putting the right people in your life at the exact time you need them. I had to get some tests done today before my surgery tomorrow. I was so annoyed and felt so rushed to get everything done. But the nurses were great and lifted my spirits. People I had never met knew the right words to say to let me know that I was going to be ok. Thank you God for putting Angels in my life to remind me that I am not alone.
I am trying to stay positive and to reflect on what a great year 2018 has been. So many great memories. From finding out I was NED to going on a once in a lifetime trip with the hubby to Europe.
Winning the title of National Big Sister of the Year was such a blessing. Seeing my Little Sister Saleen find her voice as she shared our story. Wow! What an honor to be part of her life. I am so proud of her and I look forward to seeing her grow into her power.
I turned 40 this year and I am grateful to be alive. I am embracing the first white hair I have found. Growing old is a privilege and I am enjoying every minute. I have made some great memories.
I also won an amazing photoshoot that made me feel gorgeous. Thank you to Brenda Arce for nominating me, and Thank you Michelle Citrin for choosing me for this gift. I felt powerful and you captured the Green Ninja perfectly!
With all of this going on, we have to jump on an airplane to spend Christmas in Puerto Rico. 2018 has been one heck of a ride, but I am exhausted. My body is tired and my mind needs a break from all this thinking.
I am asking all my prayer warriors to take a minute to say a prayer for me. Pray that my body heals quickly and that this will be my last surgery. I am looking forward to 2019 being the year that my body and mind can finally heal from all of this.