I have officially started my count down…. 5 more weeks to go. AMEN!! I prayed last night. I prayed for God to give me the strength to make it through these next 5 weeks. I only have 5 more chemo treatments left, but I am so tired. Emotionally I am over it and my poor body is so very tired. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. That girl in the mirror is not me and I really don’t want to remember her. I also hate all the body aches. I hate that my nails hurt and want to fall off. You don’t realize how much you use your thumb nails until they are too sensitive to touch. I am wearing a band-aid on my right thumb in hopes of sparing myself the pain of seeing it fall off. And how is it possible for my teeth to hurt? What is that about? I am really fighting to keep it all together.
For the first time my numbers were low last week. They said it happens toward the end of treatment. Since my immune system was compromised I had to get two shots. The meds force my body to produce more white blood cells. The side effects consist of body aches and fatigues. I swear even my ears were hurting. How is that possible?
I feel like the pressure is on. My doctor tells me I look good and I am doing great. I don’t feel like it, but I am sure she is comparing me to other patients. My doctor did say having a positive attitude helps. My nurses are used to my shenanigans every week and have told me how much they appreciate my positive attitude. I am blessed to have some great people joining me for my treatments. We try to do something fun every week. You have to do something fun to make it all bearable. I have to come up with something interesting for this week, my mother-in-law will be joining me. She is flying in from Puerto Rico for Christmas. I need a theme! I am open to ideas.
Oh, that’s another thing. I will have a full house this Christmas, which is great. My brother Kenny will be coming down from Boston with his family. I am excited to have the whole family together. I am excited for my boys. I am really trying to focus on them. I pray I have the energy for all of this. I can’t afford to get stressed or to wear myself out. I am keeping my eye on the prize. I have Faith and I know God is hearing my prayers. I know that January 18th will be my last chemo. I have that date ingrained in my head. I am trying to take this one step at a time. But I am terrified of having surgery. I don’t want to worry about that until it’s time. Richard would like to think that this will all be over once I have surgery, but I know that is not the case. I hear other peoples stories and I know that this will be something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. There is always that worry that the cancer will come back. I will still have follow up doctor’s appointments and blah blah blah….
On a positive note: To all my Green Ninjas who purchased one of the T-shirts I spoke to a Breast Cancer patient this week. She has already finished chemo but is waiting for surgery. She is a single mom who is struggling. I told her I wanted to do something nice for her and gave her a few options. She loved the idea of a massage, so I will make that happen for her. I also spoke to one of my nurses and told her I wanted to do something nice for some of the other patients. It breaks my heart to see some people alone during their treatment. This is not something you should do alone. So I went shopping and this Wednesday I will be taking some goodies for the patients. Just a little something to keep them busy and hopefully put a smile on their faces. I found these great adult coloring books with motivational quotes. I also found some fun socks with inspirational words like “love”,
“believe”, and”fierce”….. and you can’t forget Chocolate!!