My Journey… My Detour!

This blog was started back in April…. It’s always interesting reading my own blog and seeing how far I have come since then. Most of these feelings are still very real today, but now I can see how valid they are, and how important it was for me to write it all down so that I can do something about it. I am finally working on changing things.

Cancer has taken so much from me and I feel like it’s continuing to take bits and pieces of me. Like I am losing myself. I have been in such a weird head space. Not wanting to work on my advocacy. Not really wanting to mentor other women who have been diagnosed. Not wanting to make more Breast Cancer friends so that I don’t have to watch them die. Honestly, how am I supposed to help someone else when I am struggling myself. I have not been feeling like myself and I am not sure what to do with that? I am going a little crazy being stuck at home! Watching TV is rotting my brain. There is only so much binge watching of NetFlix a person should do. I am starting to talk to the dogs. LOL A part of me wants to run away. I really just want a break from all of this.

I feel like something has to give. I can’t keep going on like this. The routine of staying at home is really taking a toll on my mental health. I am isolated and that is not my personality. I am such an extravert. I love people and I find myself alone. I I need to find something to do with my time. I am not working! I am no longer selling Posh. I am no longer involved with the PTA. I have no outlet and I am going insane. On top of that I am so tired of being tired. Tired of being home feeling terrible. Tired of treatment every 3 weeks. I am literally at the Breast Cancer Center for 3-4 days. Getting bloodwork and shots. I love the staff but I am tired of seeing their faces. Who wants to live like this? A good “Quality of Life” is so important when dealing with Cancer.

I had my PET scan this month (April) to see if the meds are working, and I am feeling so “Blah” about the results. So, the good news is that the meds are working. The tumor in my liver has shrunk. BUT the tumors in my bone are growing. I know I should be happy that my liver is getting better, but I am not. I am upset that there is this uncertainty about my bones. Radiation was mentioned, but it’s not something I want to do right now while undergoing chemo. The plan is to wait 3 months for my next PET scan (In August) to see if anything changes.

On top of that my immune system is really taking a hit. My Oncologist has added another Zarxio shots to increase my WBC (white blood cells). These shots really make me feel tired. They are forcing my body to work harder, within a 24 hour window. They are not fun. Now I take 4 shots and I am not looking forward to adding a 5th shot. I might have to refuse that shot and ask them to lower my chemo dose. I am not sure if my Oncologist will agree with that. The side-effects of Zarxio are so weird, or maybe it’s just my body. I don’t like feeling dizzy and light-headed. I can handle the headaches and bone pain. I just don’t like the idea of driving and getting dizzy. I think I scared Richard and the boys the other day. We were leaving Publix and my vision got blurry and I felt so dizzy. Richard and to go get the car and Sebas stayed with me. I could see the concern in their eyes, which made me feel worse. Luckily, the dizziness went away, but it made me not want to be out in public.

I will be staying home with the boys this summer. They really don’t want to go to camp. I just hope things improve and I have the energy to do something fun with them. Trying to make memories when you feel like crap is not easy. I guess you put on a smile and fake it until you make it.