I am so tired. Tired of this roller coaster of emotions that has become my life. I have these highs where everything is amazing, and my health is great. Then I have these lows where my health hits a wall. I refuse to say that Cancer has dominated my life, because I try so hard not to let it. But then I have those moments where it comes creeping back in like that annoying ex that wants to come back when they see you happy! LOL… what an asshole!
My last PET scan was in August, and everything came back great. I was supposed to have another scan in December. I had graduated from every 3 months to 4 months, and I was so happy to give my veins a break. Because of the new insurance I asked my Oncologist if we could move it and wait until January. I hate having to pay such a high deductible twice. She agreed since everything was good.
So… I had my PET scan last week ( January 27th) and my results were instantly posted on my MyChart. You would think that I learned my lesson about reading these results before seeing my Oncologist. Nope! Not this girl. Stubborn to a fault! So of course, being who I am, I read them. When it comes to cancer I feel like my “bad news” is always “best case scenario”. The “for room for interpretation. With my bone disease I know they have to be careful, and they have to make sure it’s not the Ollier’s, so they have to jot down everything they see.
Thank God all my major organs are fine, but this freaking monster loves to find a way back into my bones. So now I have to play the waiting game. I see my Oncologist tomorrow (February 1st), to discuss the results. I am trying not to freak out. I am keeping it quiet so that I don’t get the family stressed out. I know my doctor has a plan. I trust her. But I can’t help but to feel all this anxiety, anger and sadness rush back in. I had a year of peace and now we go back into “fighting mode”. I would like to retire the fighting gloves for more than a year. I hate that my brain just switches back and forth. My brain was at ease, just enjoying the moment. Richard and I just had this amazing time in Denver. I was so proud of myself and really amazed at my body. I didn’t know if I could climb that mountain, but I did it and it felt great! But now I am on full alert mode. I can’t help that I am wired this way. I don’t want to question my faith. I don’t want to be mad at God or my body. I have made it this far. 5 years is a big deal within the MBC community. I don’t want to allow this set back to diminish all the blessings I have had. I don’t want to seem ungrateful. But “Fear” is such a soul sucker. You let it creep back in and it takes over. Therefore, I have to allow myself to just cry and to feel it all, so that I can move forward.
I am assuming I will have to have some type of radiation and my Oncologist will decide if I will stay on my current treatment, which is a chemo pill. I immediately think “shit, I don’t want to do IV chemo”… “damnit, I was just thinking of letting my hair grow long, only to have to lose it again”. Honestly, I don’t know if I would put my body through IV chemo again. So when I said “best case scenario” this is part of that. Since the cancer is in my bones than I can continue with an oral medication. Once the cancer spreads to your organics it’s a whole new ballgame.
Another “best case” is that suspicious means it’s small and was caught early. My body reacts well to radiation, and if that is the plan that we are good. I keep telling Richard that I am going to start glowing in the dark soon. He said that kids would love that. LOL
This world has become such a crazy place because of Covid. So many people are suffering in silence. I am fighting for my life, and it gets me so mad when people take their own lives. I woke up today to see that Miss USA had taken her own life and that just added to all the emotions I was already feeling. I know they have to be hurting to feel like that is their only options. We all have our own struggles and our own story. The Social Worker in me just wants to understand and wants to help, but I have to focus on healing myself. I only have the energy to carry my own burdens right now and it breaks my heart to think that way. Is that selfish? Is that self-preservation? Not sure? All I know is that I have no choice but to get back on track. I feel like this last year I was complacent. I have to do better and I have to start taking care of myself again.
To be continued….