This past Wednesday my brother and father joined me for chemo. It was nice to have the first two men I ever loved join me. We were going to dress like firefighters, but it was a mission to find the same thing for all three of us to wear. My brother Kenny had T-shirts made for us to wear and a pink mustache for me. It was great. The nurses and my doctor loved it. We played Uno and they had no mercy on me. They had no problem beating me eventhough I was drugged up on Bendryl…. LOL We also took scratch off tickets for all the staff members at the center. I wished them all good luck and hope that someone wins something.
My numbers were good this week, so I didn’t need a shot to boost my white blood cell count. So now we are down to three more chemo sessions. Thank you God! My next chemo date will be my mom. We need a theme.
Christmas was great, but exhausting. It took all the energy I could muster to keep up with everything. My boys had an awesome time and it was great to be with my family, but by 6pm I was over it. It was a very emotional day for me. I had a few break downs throughout the day and cried. I was grateful for the time with my family, but at night when I went to rock Leo to sleep I cried and my mind took me to a very dark place. I thought “My god, what if this is my last Christmas with my family?” It was the first time I had ever tought of dying and not being there for my kids. The thought broke my heart and I squeezed my son a little tighter and I prayed. I prayed for God to have mercy and to give me more time. That night I laid in bed with Richard and I told him what had happened. For the first time since I was diagnosed I allowed myself to let go of everything. I felt like I had released a years worth of tears… I couldn’t control the tears. They just kept coming and Richard just held me and let me cry. Afterwards, Richard thanked me for being honest about my feelings and shared with me that his mind had gone there along time ago. He assured me I wasn’t going anywhere and I appreciated that. He’s a man of faith and I know he’s had his own conversations with God. I know this is normal and part of the journey. How can you not question your immortality when you are diagnosed with a disease that has claimed so many lives. I have firsthand experience watching people I love die from this disease. It’s not pretty and it’s not how I want to leave this earth.
I know I must make this look easy, because people see me smiling, but it’s not. For those of you that have a family member battling Cancer, please have some compassion and consideration for them. This disease not only takes a toll on your body, but on your soul. Everyday is something new. It’s a new pain, a new discomfort, a new struggle, a new burden and a new emotion. Don’t pity us, just be sensitive to our mood swings and if we need to cry then just let us cry. Don’t be scared to say the wrong thing. No one expects you to have all the answers. Just be present in the moment and be available. Don’t treat us any different. We already feel “different”. We just want to feel like our old selves.
Honestly, I don’t really like the word “survivor”… The word doesn’t feel like a compliment. When this is all over with I will consider myself a “Warrior”…..