So, it’s been one of those days. It’s time for a “pity party”… I guess it was bound to happen. You can only stay positive for so long. Your body gets tired and it starts to take a toll on your spirit. Richard just reminded me that it’s been 107 days since I was diagnosed and for the most part I have been able to keep it all together, but today is one of those days. I don’t know what triggered it, but I have this internal battle going on in my head. I hate feeling sorry for myself… and I HATE to see that sad look in other peoples eyes when they look at me. Maybe what triggered it this morning was looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself anymore. I barely have eyebrows or eyelashes. I can only imagine how much worse this can get. Thank god for make-up, but I am not sure how long that will help me.
I went to Sebastian’s soccer game on Saturday. I was exhausted, but it was the championship game and he got a trophy. I couldn’t miss that. We wanted to take him for Ice Cream to celebrate, so we took a drive to Miami to try a new place. It was yummy and he was excited. Afterwards, Richard wanted to take the boys to see the Christmas tree at Gulfstream Park. Obviously, I can’t be around all of those people. So I sat in the car, alone, while my boys enjoyed the music and the Christmas tree lights. I cried as I sat the car waiting. Wow! I didn’t realize just how sad that all sounds until I wrote it down.
As we were leaving Gulfstream I noticed a woman sleeping on the floor in a dark corner. My heart broke for her. We gave her some food and water and then tried to explain to Sebastian what it means to be homeless. It really puts things into prospective when you are trying to help a 5 year-old understand why some people don’t have a home or even family. All Richard and I could do was tell our son how lucky he is to have a home and a family that adores him. I am just thankful that he’s a happy and healthy little boy. We want to teach him to have compassion towards others. I have to keep reminding myself that my situation could be worse. I keep trying to focus on the good, but I am so tired of not feeling like myself.
I was really struggling at work today. When no one was looking I just cried. Struggling with all the emotions and baggage that come with having Cancer. Lord knows I could use a Tequila shot right now to numb the pain, but of course I can’t even do that! I am taking antibiotics, which are causing me to be more tired and have more body aches and some nausea…. I am really trying to stay focused. I keep reminding myself how thankful I am that it’s me and not my husband or the boys. That I could NOT handle!!
God, as much as I would hate to speed up the holidays, can these next two months just fly by? PLEASE!! I am kind of over all of this…
My boys enjoying the Christmas decorations!