I have to be honest, this past weekend was tough. After Chemo #3 (on October 5th) I was left feeling emotional and sad. I think “ANGER” finally started to settle in, which upset me. I think I have been really good about all of this and to start feeling angry now made me feel weak and frustrated. It also made me feel a little disappointed in myself. But like everyone has told me, anger is a normal part of the process (along with other emotions like depression, which I have not felt). I guess it was bound to happen. The important thing is that I don’t want to be consumed by anger. It’s not going to do me any good. I feel like Anger is a choice. I can choose to be angry or I can choose to do something about it. This blog is a way of channeling my anger. It’s a way for me to vent and to move on from whatever I am feeling at the moment.
Anger is a very powerful expression. Anger carries a lot of energy and I rather do something more productive with my energy. So, I allowed myself to feel the anger, I cried and then I let it go. But I still had a lot going on in my head. I questioned why I felt angry in the first place? So I decided to make a list of all the reasons why I felt angry.
- I was angry that I was so tired. The fatigue was horrible this time around and I was upset that all I wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep. I didn’t have the energy to play with my boys. That pissed me off. To top it off the port in my chest prohibits me from playing too rough with the boys. The times the boys have accidentally hit the port were painful.
- I was angry that for the first time in 8 years we would have to miss the Epcot Food & Wine Festival. Richard and I got engaged there and it has been our tradition. It was “our thing”. I am so sad that we will have to miss it this year. It’s always such a great time. We share the experience with friends and we get to relive our engagement day (which was one of the best days of my life).
- I was angry that I have to miss my 20th High School Reunion from Boston Latin Academy. I was really looking forward to seeing some of my old friends and classmates. I have to miss it because I can’t travel. I can’t risk getting sick and compromising my immune system. If you didn’t know, planes are full of germs. That air is recirculated. No bueno for a chemo patient!
- I was angry that food is not my friend. I LOVE FOOD!! I hate that nothing tastes the same. I have tried experimenting with different flavors, but everything leaves a bad taste in my mouth. This really gets to me. I eat because I am hungry and for nutritional value. Food is no longer for enjoyment. God, I miss Sushi! But of course my greedy butt has not even lost weight from the chemo. Maybe 4 lbs.
- I was angry because I don’t get a break from Cancer. I have a constant reminder. Every morning I have to wake up and see my bald head in the mirror. Everyday I am reminded that I am sick. I just want a break from Cancer! I don’t have that luxury.
- I was angry for my family. I was angry for my parents that have to see me go through this. I was angry for my boys. I was angry for Richard that also has to be reminded every day that his wife is sick. He doesn’t get a break either.
- I was angry because I am a social butterfly. I love people. Being social is a part of my DNA and I did not and do not have the desire to see anyone. But on my good days I do wish I could enjoy a nice happy hour with my girlfriends. I wish I had the energy to entertain my friends.
- I was angry at myself. I started thinking back to my wedding anniversary in February. Richard and I spent this amazing weekend at this beautiful resort in Puerto Rico. It was breathtaking! I just remember sitting out on the balcony, overlooking the ocean, and just thinking “My God, I am totally blessed. I am so content with my life. I have everything I have every wanted.” and I thanked God for my life. My heart was so full. I was mad at myself for questioning that moment and wondering if I had caused all of this pain because I was content with my life. As if being blessed was a curse.
- I was angry because I just wanted a beer or a tequila shot! LOL Something to just numb me. A glass of wine to relax me.
- I was angry because my nails started turning BLACK and they are starting to hurt! As simple as that may seem, it’s another reminder of how Chemo is changing my body. It’s just another thing to add to my list and something else I have to conceal so that I am not reminded that I have Cancer!
- I was angry that my vision is so sensitive to light. I swear I am losing hearing in my left ear and I can’t remember what I did 5 minutes ago.
- I was angry that I feel useless at work. I can’t do my job as effectively as I used to. Part of my job is to be out and about in the community. Obviously because of my health I can no longer do that. I don’t want to fail these kids who are depending on me to help get them a mentor. I am a Big Sister and I am pissed that I can’t spend time with my Little Sister Saleen. I have tried to start a penpal relationship with her until I finish chemo.
People say that anger is an emotion you feel when you are trying not to feel other emotions. I don’t think that is necessarily true. I think anger has its own category and everyone feels it differently and for different reasons. Something that gets you angry, might not make me flinch. My anger is not your anger! My reasons for being angry might be simple. But I am not angry at life. I am not bitter or jaded. I am not angry at God. But I choose to allow myself to feel the anger so that I can heal and keep fighting.